Open Letter to Moms of Boys

17 12 2014

Last summer I came across a Facebook post where a Mom was asking her friends for help in finding books and other materials to give to her young sons. She wanted resources to help them gain a better understanding of what it means to live a Christ centered life in a world that is increasingly not Christ centered.  There were lots of comments attached to the post.  Lots of other Moms listed some blogs and a few of books. But by-in-large there weren’t very many that I would have been excited about giving my boys.

For those who don’t know, I’m the Dad of two boys.  Each is very different than the other.  I’m also a full time Minister.  Because I have a fair amount of insight into the area my Facebook friends were talking about, I added my thoughts to the stream of comments. Over the years I have spent a ton of time looking for and researching the best tools to raise Christian boys. I’ve learned a lot along the way.  Now I’ll never say my boys are without error.  And I pray everyday that if they ever do anything that is not worthy of God’s character that I will find out about it before it’s too late. (Thankfully that prayer works most of the time!)  I’m not an expert, but I believe I do have a good word on the topic. So… I have decided to repost my comments here so that maybe others might see it and apply it.  Maybe it might even spark a conversation for like minded folks to develop better options for helping boys understand the ways of Christ.  Lord knows we all need it!

From a recent Facebook comment I wrote on a friend’s post: 

These comments break my heart. As the son of a Minister and as a Minister myself, (as well as the Dad of 2 boys ages 10 and 15) [my boys are now 16 and 11] I know for a fact that there are very few resources written for specifically for boys. Now there are hundreds for Moms (and a few for Dads) that will provide great examples of how to raise Godly boys, with plenty of exercises to try. There are personality and gifts assessments that you can use to try and figure out how they might receive the lessons you are teaching in a more absorbent way. However… there is hardly anything (bible study, devotional, etc) available that you can put in a boys hand that he will devour on his own. And here’s why… Boys don’t work that way. They don’t think that way. Unlike a girl’s natural desire for relationships to be deep and their willingness to be quiet and take the time to get close to their Heavenly Father, boys naturally don’t have it on their radar and see it as an unpleasant chore when they are told they need to dig in.

Now I know… these are generalizations. So where does that lead us? Should we write our own Bible Studies and devotionals? Here’s the inside track on the publishing world of Christian content… Products are developed based on market research. No publisher will produce a product they know won’t sell. Because the Market Research shows that boys don’t latch on to the kind of products we are wanting for our boys, they are much less likely to fund the product into production. Believe me, there have been some valiant attempts over the last 30 years.

This may all sound disheartening, but hear this… there needs to be a paradigm shift in the way we are looking for resources to specifically put in the hands of our boys. It’s not going to be in a book or even an iPhone app! (okay maybe it is an app…). It’s going to be in the form of two critical paths. The first is in stories. Truly engaging stories that provide humor, danger, ritual, compassion, good and even evil. But these stories can’t just be in a book (remember that boys rarely read just because they can). The stories have to be told out loud… so that boys will HEAR them and SEE them. They have to be done in a way that makes the boy want to tell his friends the story. It has to be the kind of story that they fall asleep at night dreaming about.

The second path is through life experiences. Many of you are already paving the way for that. You are putting your boys into situations where they are SEEING and HEARING the ways of Christ put into practice. Plan for that. Fund that. Do that. Involve them in what you are doing to follow Christ. Be careful in this point though. Remember that most of you are women. The steps YOU are taking to follow Christ may not engage your sons in the same way it’s engaging you. When you plan, consider what will speak to their hearts. When you fund that plan be generous in the line item called “surprise and delight”. When you do the plan do with energy and excitement (and maybe add in some silliness, but in a macho kind of way).

Bottom line is this:
– Shift your sights on the kind of resources you are looking for by beginning to look for Godly stories that can be told out loud. Granted there are very few out there. Pray about creating more.
– Stop thinking that your boy will “get it” if only there were resources out there like there are for girls.
– Put your family into situations where your boys will SEE and HEAR God at work. Plan it, fund it, do it.

Lastly, by all means keep doing what you are doing! Pray together, read the Bible together, Worship together, go on mission together! Remember that no two boys are exactly alike. Use the resources everyone has listed to learn as much as you can about how you can better lead your boys. Use the personally and gifts assessments to get a better grip on why they are the way the are. Understand that there will be seasons in a boys life when you feel like you are getting hit in the face with a shovel. It will hurt and it will shock you. Also understand that his heart will be broken once he realizes what he has done.

Most of all, hug them and be sure to tell them you love them with all your heart. Especially in front of their friends. Boys love that stuff!

Oh yeah… And pray. Pray like your life depends on it. No… Pray like your son’s life depends on it. Because it does.


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